I'm taking a quick break from the final (aside from my computer) pack. A lot has happened in the past few days, and I just felt like writing for a bit.

Pretty much everyone knew that Trista and I were going to see what happened between us once I got to Raleigh. And I'll go ahead and point out right now that I wasn't moving to Raleigh because of Trista. She was a (very large) bonus. Well, about a month ago, I started talking to someone a lot here, and developed feelings. I was up front with Trista about them, and she told me that it hurt her to think about me being out and kissing someone else. Because of this, I put the brakes on big time. We talked a few times after that, but then about 3 weeks passed and I barely heard from her. Just little random emails on Facebook saying the fact that she wasn't talking to me had nothing to do with me.

We talked a few nights ago, and it turns out she's been running around with someone who she's developed feelings for, and has zero intentions to stop. I told her that I didn't want her in my life anymore. And, it really hasn't bothered me that much. I've been waiting for this to happen for months, I just think it's...classic, for lack of a better term, that it happened literally a week before I moved, and we'd be able to see each other on a regular basis and see what was there. Again, I'm not too bummed about it, because there hasn't been much she's done or given me in the past 6 or 7 months that's made me want to start a relationship again. Yes, the times I hung out with her were fun, but I think the reason I wanted what I wanted was because of memories I had with her. But I realize that's absolutely no reason to want to be with someone again. The past is passed. That's all there is to it. For almost 2 years now, I've been trying to catch lightning in a bottle one more time, but there's no point, because even if we did get back together, she's not the person I wanted anymore. Not to say she's a bad person (but not to say that she isn't) but that's just the way it is, I guess.

Today, while packing, I threw everything she ever gave me away. I had 3 little notes, a picture, and a stuffed Rottweiler and a stuffed lion she got me back when we were dating, and a picture in a broken frame (which I find somewhat ironic), a Lion King pin, and an old pair of socks she'd left over here one night. They've all been sitting in a drawer in a dresser that I use only to stack random things on, but I've always known they were there. I've had hope for so long that I just never got around to throwing them away. I took them all out, stood over my garbage bag, and considered everything that'd happened since the first day I met her, almost 3 years ago. I went through every single emotion imaginable. I put them all in the bag, and sealed it up. I hate that I have to get rid of everything she ever gave me, but I know if I'm going to move on, I need to. I hope she figures herself out someday. I don't agree with what she's done and what she's doing, but that's so out of my hands I won't even think about it anymore.

I am an optimist. I have a ridiculously large amount of faith in people. I believe that "magic" is real, and happy endings really do happen as long as you fight for them. I always believe that everyone is good, and given enough time and hope, things will turn out ok. As an optimist, it always hurts the most when you realize that not everyone is like that, and that more times than not, people are predictable. The shaky, non-consistent girl will always be that way. The beautiful, desirable girl will always only go after the handsome, attractive guy. The funny thing in that part is the girl will treat the "normal" guys like shit so she can get the "hot" guy, who in turn treats her like shit. And the "normal" guys who want the beautiful girl? Well, they let tend to look over the "normal" girls to get the "hot" girls. That last statement goes both ways with "normal" girls, too. I wish I knew where I fit into that spectrum. I'm a "normal" guy, but I like "normal" girls.

And I realize, thanks to a long, brutal conversation that caused me to lose some sleep last night, that I am my own worst enemy. I know that I sometimes look for relationships. It's not as constant as everyone thinks, because I will quickly point out a girl's pros, but that doesn't exactly mean I want to date them. And it honestly goes back to Regina, I think. The first major girlfriend. I loved the way Gina looked at me, and I wanted that again. After I'd gotten over that, I was fine. Then there was Trista and the way she looked at me. Words can't begin to describe how unstoppable and good it felt to be looked at like that, like you mattered. I know Missy looked at me like that, but there was so much wrong in my head during that relationship I never saw it. Let me be typical me, and quote Counting Crows.

"Remember everything" She said "When only memory Remains"

I guess that was my problem, and that is still my problem. I'm so fixated on the past, that sometimes I just don't let things happen naturally. I'm trying so fucking hard to get to a place that's impossible to get on your own. You just have to float down the river, and hope you end up on shore someplace warm.

So, after the 2 and a half year epic that was Trista and I ended, I'm still an optimist. I still believe that I'll have a happy ending. I still refuse to end up one of those jaded, hateful people. I still find beauty in things every single day. I won't give up, and look forward to the next time a girl looks at me to make me feel unstoppable. If it happens later in the evening, great. If it doesn't happen until I've been in Raleigh a few months, fine. If it doesn't happen in Raleigh, well, that's the way it goes. I'm just going to try to enjoy the sites as I float down the river.

It's just been squashed, hasn't it?

I've finally got it all figured out. I honestly feel like I'm totally clear. I feel like I know what I want, and what I can get and can't get. And I'm actually more than content with that.

I know I'm going to Raleigh to have a total fresh start. I'm actually really happy about it. I'm still terrified and everything, but I am excited. I officially have less than one week left in the Greenbrier Noble, and while that bums me out, an entire new store is exciting.

I can't wait till it starts getting dark earlier in the day. I'm looking forward to coming home after work and fixing a turkey melt, or a bowl of Cap'n Crunch. I can't wait to sit on my couch with my dinner, turn the TV on, and just relax. I'm looking forward to having room in my refrigerator. I'm looking forward to those Wednesdays I have off, when I go get comics and lunch, come home, walk to the laundry room, pop that week's dirty clothes in the machines, and read about worlds far, far away as I wait for them to wash and dry.

I'm still unsure of which comic store I'll want to go to. Part of me wants to go to Capital Comics, because it's downtown. It's this little hole in the wall store, but they have a bunch of cool stuff. Plus, it's downtown, so if it's nice, I could walk down the block or something and maybe grab a bite to eat. I also really like Amazing Fantasy, as it's clean, new, and has tons of action figures and clothes and whatnot. That could also be hazardous to my wallet. We'll see.

I can't wait to be able to see Beth and Josh on a regular basis. I love those two, and it'll be fun hanging out with them on random days off. They're great peoples.

And I will look forward to coming home. I still want to see a lot of people that are still here, some more than others. Some more than them. I'll be nice to have going to my parents' more of a big deal. Sure, I love going there now and seeing them, but I also really like the idea of coming home and knowing they'll be there, as it'll be pre-planned. So many times have I just wanted to pop-in and no one's home. We're all busy, I guess.

Still not sure how holidays are going to be. Chances are I won't be able to get up here for Christmas. If I'm off on Christmas Eve, I might drive up, and just leave Christmas Day. I don't know how traffic is on the actual day of Christmas. I'm sure it's a lot worse on the day after, but I'm sure it'll still be major. Same goes for Thanksgiving, too. I think that'll be the hardest time for living down there. I've spent every single Christmas and Thanksgiving with my parents. I guess that's all part of growing up.

I'll end this with saying "In The Air Tonight" has the best drum break mixed with a bass line in the history of music.

2 more weeks. I leave on Saturday the 30th. It's insane. It's all I can think about. I can't stop thinking about finding new things in Raleigh. I can't stop thinking about the few things here that I do NOT want to leave.

I am excited, though. I could be more excited. I know it's what I need, but there are just some factors that terrify me. Some that I still have zero faith in. Some that I'm really looking forward to. Life is never easy for me, just like it's never easy for anyone else. I'm basically tired of running and chasing and wanting. I just want to get to a place where I can be comfortable and content and not scared. And literally, I'm hoping that's Raleigh. Metaphorically, I have no clue where that place is. I have an idea, and it's not where you'd assume.

The more I realize how close I am to the people I work with, the more I realize how hard it's going to be when I get to the new store. We have such a mix of people working at The Noble, and while some of the people there I want to murder their faces, most of them don't get on my nerves. I'm going to miss the shared laughter and in-jokes. I also realize that will all (hopefully) come in time in Durham. Maybe I won't catch as much shit as I do in Chesapeake. Even though most of it is in jest, it does get a little old sometimes.

I'll still have Xbox Live to play games with Joe and Brandon. I'll still have Myspace and Facebook to keep in contact. But it's all just really scary. In good ways, in bad ways. I know I'll only be 3 hours away, and I'm sure I'll come visit every handful of weeks to see some friends, but it's just going to be weird.

I really have no way to end this cryptic entry.

Having second thoughts about moving is normal, right?

Holy Shit, this looks AWESOME.

I'm moving to Raleigh on August 30th. I'm starting work at the new Barnes & Noble on September 8th.

The apartment I'm moving to is not attached to anything. It also has central heat and air, which I didn't plan on having. It's an extra $20 a month, but I'm ok with spending that much, as I know I won't have to worry about the cold or the hot air outside. We planned out the way I'm going to set it up last night. It's going to be a little tight, but I think it'll be ok. It'll be bigger than the room I live in now. It'll be nice to sit on a couch and watch TV.

I feel like I could just go on a huge rant about a million things right now. But I don't feel like bitching and moaning. There are things that I can't control about people, and there are ways that people act and think that are so far beyond my own comprehension that it just baffles me. This town and it's routine has completely beaten me into the ground. I know that a move alone will make everything better, but I can honestly say I've tried everything I can here.

I hate to admit this, but I've got zero self esteem right now. I'm really hoping I regain that in Raleigh. It sucks being this down on yourself.

I'm officially leaving Virginia now. I went to Raleigh today with my dad, and got all the shit straight. I had my official interview with the Noble down there. It looks like I'll be maintaining head-cashier status. Not exactly thrilled with that, but whatever. I know I'm good at it, and thankfully by the time I'm down there, we'll have the new return policy so I (hopefully) won't have to put up with as much shit. Or, well, chances are, I'll be putting up with much, much more. It's about a 20 minute drive from my apartment, so money's going to be extra tight.

I got approved for the mini-house, so I'm sending in my deposit tomorrow morning. I know the mini-house is very small (mini, even) but I'm looking forward to it. I really don't have enough room for too much, so I'm going to have to figure what I'm going to get rid of.

I'm super excited, but I wish I could shake this down mood I'm in. I don't know why I'm in this mood, but I wish I could just get out of it.